The bathroom floor often is where I find the most clarity.
Right after a binge/purge session, where I have taken in and gotten rid of so many emotions, I can almost visualize those emotions swirling around my head, threatening to take over my sanity. I feel hopelessness, helplessness, melancholy, despair, relief. I feel the weight, every pound, of all my problems and I feel entirely overwhelmed.
At this time I can admit to myself these emotions and that I do not know how to deal with them. And like a habit I turn to the wrong things, the deleterious behaviors to do so. I realize how much work I have yet to do and I hate that realization. How the hell am I supposed to fix all the problems? Where am I supposed to begin? I see possible starting points, but they all seem too much right now: the time and energy are just not here. It's a daunting task that scares me. So instead I push those thoughts away. And I eat. I feel stuck in the state of being/mind in which I am.
Lately I am an emotional time bomb: the most insignificant event can set me off. I cry too much. I want to talk about things but I do not believe people really want to hear. It is uncomfortable, what I have to say. I feel so alone and want to reach out. But I enjoy being alone because there are no questions to answer, no secrets to hide.
All of these thoughts come out while I sit on the bathroom floor, back against the wall, realizing the time but not wanting to go to bed. And while I am overwhelmed by the thoughts, I start to find bits of clarity in them. It's like a timeline all jumbled up and I need to put the events in the correct chronological order. I can begin to see a first step and suddenly life does not feel so despairing. But I hate how it takes nights like this one to realize these things. And how this feeling of clarity will most likely come and go a few times before it finally starts to stick.
I'm sure you know it-especially if you watch Glee. But this song is much older than that. And I really love it, especially in sad times.
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