Never underestimate Tim Allen's ability to make you laugh.

I received mail today from my number one choice law school I wish to attend. I'm always surprised when they send me stuff because I think how did they find me?? But then I remember I gave them my address. In the ginormous envelope was a reminder of application dates: they start accepting applications October 1st. Okay, whatever, I'm not applying this year, although I wish I was. Not because I'm uber stoked to be continuing school, but because at least then I would be accomplishing something in the direction I think I should be going. With which is a thought I seem to constantly struggle. Since I don't actually know what the hell I am doing in my life, any sort of revelation/accomplishment/assurance of direction is like discovering there's a Home Improvement marathon on TV when you're sick. I get a little burst of excitement and relief knowing that I am going in the right direction.

So I start questioning why the hell am I not applying if I feel this detrimental about it. Then I remember, oh right, this summer sucked ass, I was entirely overwhelmed with life, and I dropped out of my prep course. And it's better off I did because looking back on my time since I dropped the course, about 4.213% of that has been free time. So even if I had stuck it out, I would not have had any time to study and with the LSAT being this Saturday, I probably would have packed up my pirate pants and eye patch and headed for the high seas. Okay fine, Reason. You win this round.

Along with the lovely paper reminding me of deadlines, they sent me basically a short novel (with lots of pretty pictures) all about Lewis and Clark Law School. So what do I do instead of study? Duh. I set it on fire. But first I read it. And I'm reading all about this beautiful place where I want to spend at least the next 3 years of my life at a school that is equally gorgeous, not only in looks but also in the fact that they possess so many opportunities that will allow me to take the next step in pursuing my passion. So naturally (insanely) I start to cry.

I cannot tell if these are happy or sad tears or maybe a little bit a both. Sad because this next chapter of my life still seems so far away. Happy because umm hi...Portland, OR is equal distance away from the ocean and the mountains (sounds like another fabulous place on earth...Italy...). But seriously, I am reading the description of the law school and Portland and I cannot imagine a better place for me to spend the next portion of my life. This is pretty much the farthest west I can go and still be in the US. And we all know Jourdan needs to get the hell outta dodge. A liberal school and city that values the arts, animals, nature. A national park with OVER 600 NATURE TRAILS. hellloooooooo new running shoes. All of these things sound so perfect for me (and I do not want to hear any bullshit about how they purposely make it sound that way to make people want to go there. If you're thinking that, shut up. I've done my homework).

And yet ultimately I'm sad. I want to be there now. I look at all the necessary steps I need to take to get there and it is such a daunting list. By no means am I taking the mental mess I currently am to a new, beautiful place. This is not an escape, it is the next part of my life. There are so many things I need to work on, both mentally and academically before I can even begin this next journey.

And then I evaluate myself. Today, yesterday, tomorrow. And I am even more discouraged at the challenges I face. The challenges I have been ignoring for many a reason. So instead of trying to begin facing them at that moment, I pushed them away again. I pushed away the emotions, the struggles. A task I had begun to make progress on, but have been slowly reversing since August. It is my next challenge I must overcome in my journey. Learning to identify the emotions again. And letting them express themselves the way in which they need.

On a slighter lighter note: I realized, while listening to the playlist I compiled of all my favorite songs, that many people have not ever even heard these songs. Which makes me disappointed. And I realize that I have been hording all these amazing songs to myself all of these years and that is just not okay. So I will begin sharing them. Listen if you'd like. If not, no hard feelings. But your ears may forever hate your refusel.

Here's the first one.