Finding My Voice

My inspiration to begin a blog came from two sources on two separate occasions. The first came from Danielle Johnson, almost a year ago. After countless nights out together and detailed re-tellings of bizarre, shocking, and emotional stories, it was she who first suggested I should document my life happenings. Yet time and lack of purpose were always stopping me from beginning. I could not write about my crazy life because I was out living said crazy life. And while I had an abundance of words and stories to recount, nothing was stopping my potential blog from reading like an adult fiction novel where the lead female tells of her path to discover love and the witty, ironic, and heartbreaking happenings along the way. While I occasionally do indulge in such a novel, I knew my blog needed a more meaningful purpose. A couple half-hearted attempts later to discover such purpose, I let the thought fall.

It was not until the second source came, quite recently, that I revisited the thought. I began following Hannah Fingerhut's blog of her upcoming travel and experiences. Her journey, both literal and figurative, brought the thought that if only I had a journey, I could begin my blog.

Yet, I am on a journey, and have been for awhile: the journey to find my voice. My voice is something I have lost over the years. Each emotionally detrimental situation has reduced my voice, until at one point I was unable to muster even a whisper. I have let my actions and decisions (both good and bad) act as my voice, allowing them to sum up everything I am not able to speak. I have avoided the painful emotions my experiences have left.

A few weeks ago I read an excerpt from a woman, Jennifer Campbell, who is recovering from an eating disorder. She spoke of the importance of finding her voice in her road to recovery:

"At first I had no words. I was mute, terrified of the sound of my voice and the words that would be released from it. It started off as a whisper, my voice quivering as tears fell. But over time that whisper got louder and the tears eventually stopped. You see, by actually feeling my emotions and getting them out through words and tears,..., I finally released them completely....It is a slow and, at times, scary process. To go inside and face those emotions can seem overwhelming, but the end result is worth it. A heavy weight has been lifted, as years of starved words, swallowed tears and purged anger have been released. By finding my voice I have found myself...I have found my words and I am no longer afraid to be heard."

Reading this struck a chord within me and I was inspired. Inspired by this woman who traveled this long, self-revealing, and exhausting journey alone. Yet, survived. While my journey has begun, and sometimes I find myself capable of a whisper, I still have a long road to travel. Reading this passage has given me hope that I am capable of also finding my voice.

I cannot promise you what this journey will resemble. While this blog may take on many moods (humorous, sad, random, cynical, angry, happy, bored) and the nature of the posts may change, it is my hope to maintain a steady theme throughout: one of hopefulness. This blog is about my journey, and even I do not know what that looks like. So this blog will be a reflection of what that journey becomes: good or bad.