Singing a Duet to Defying Gravity is Not My Idea of Romance

Dear Boy Who Broke Things Off Before I Got the Chance To Break Them Off Myself (because I was being nice and giving you the benefit of the doubt!),

I have a few dating tips I would like to share with you:

1. The uni-brow and all of its' relatives are out. As in no longer welcome in society. And actually have not been welcome since 1834 when they developed a gadget to get rid of those suckers. And contrary to popular your belief, the less dense hair on the upper nasal line (you know the section where there should just be skin and no connection of eyebrow whatsoever) still qualifies as a uni-brow. 

2. Please brush your teeth more than once a day. And if that is a challenge for you, they recently came out with a new item called gum. Haven't heard of it? What about breath mints? Listerine strips? Mint leaves? Oh right...I forgot you are from the early 19th century. It amazes me you have gone 25 years of life without realizing you have bad breath. Isn't that what moms are for?

3. Having a conversation about boundaries after you have already chosen to cross some does not equal a serious conversation. Lucky for you we never really got to any serious conversations because I do not believe you could handle them. 

4. Believe me (and if you do not, you can ask anyone who knows me), I love everything Disney and musicals. Very much. However, I also love my friends and family and do not want to lose them because I blew out their eardrums in the car from unattractively singing EVERY CHARACTER'S PART IN EVERY SINGLE SONG. It's great that you believe you can accurately sing Gaston and Belle's part. Yet, I am here to tell you that you cannot. If I want to hear them sung well at such a high decibel, I will watch the movie. 

5. On a similar line, being able to quote every single line from every movie you've seen in the exact voice does not make you a movie buff. It just makes you obnoxious and someone I never want to watch movies with. 

5. Having only movie soundtracks, Disney songs, and musical soundtracks on your iPod does not make you special. It makes you close minded and very frustrating to ride in the car with. 

6. If you actually want to meet your future wife and have the white, traditional wedding (THAT YOU TOLD ME ABOUT ON THE 4TH DATE), then you may want to actually take interest in what she does. When she tells you about her day do not turn up Wicked in the car, do not ignore her when she talks about what's important to her, and do not change the subject when she brings up her values. 

7. When someone tells you they do not like something, it's usually wise not to suggest that as a date. I HATE MINI GOLF.

8. All those times where you did not understand what I was saying...that is actually called a sense of humor. I have one! Isn't that weird?

9. Lady Gaga and Katy Perry ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON.

10. Lastly, it is good to know that chivalry is not dead. However, neither am I. I am very capable of making my own decisions and actually like doing so from time to time. But, considering you ignored me when I talked about how cool it was to see a strong female character in a movie, and you changed the subject when I started telling you how Lady Gaga is my role model, and both your eyebrows and breath follow the trend, it kind of makes sense that your view toward women would also be medieval. 

I hope these dating tips help you with your game. Just a few minor tweaks and you'll be ready to get back out there!

Love, 

The Girl Who Happily Made It Out With Minimal Ear Damage

PS. Ben Folds, the Fray, and Hootie and the Blowfish are MUSICAL ARTISTS. But don't worry, I wouldn't expect you to know that (see # 5).

This is not romance.