I had initially wanted to write about my role model today. At least, that's what I had started writing earlier. Instead, I find myself desperately trying to control my anger, which is the only thing currently on my mind.
When weighing the pros and cons of a decision, one should always take into account if that decision could come back and kick you in the ass. Typically, I am fairly decent at this process. Unfortunately, high levels of intoxication severely interrupt said process. As is proven by my past weekend. Now, for some reading this , I expect the worry and judgement to enter now. However, let me stop you right at this point to assure you that neither worry nor judgement need to ensue. My decisions were not terrible, and to put frankly, they are nothing many of you have not done yourselves. What happened does not matter. It is over and there is nothing I (nor you) can do to change things that happened.
But what of the aftermath and the conflict these decisions bring. Accepting responsibility for my actions, while never a proud moment, is something I have always been able to do. And I value my words when it comes to conflict. I try my hardest to express my opinions, frustrations, emotions, and thoughts without placing blame on the other person. I do not avoid conflict. I attempt to use objective reasoning when discussing a conflict. However, it is when all of these tactics fail, that my emotions become difficult to handle. When the other person lacks these conflict managing skills, and instead relies entirely on emotion, objective reasoning becomes impossible. How does one reason with the unreasonable?
One cannot. And where does that leave me? With emotions so intense that doing nothing seems impossible. I am seething with anger and I am trying my hardest to control it. There are not enough bad words in the English language to express the anger I am feeling. My voice is not loud enough to scream out all of my emotions. My heart wants to explode so it does not have to feel this anymore. I want to close my eyes so tight that nothing can get through them to my brain. I want to curl up in a ball and keep out all of the terrible things that come flying at me. I want to scream and cry and hit things. I want to run until I collapse. I want to fly far away from this damn place and forget about everything.
(Insert here a 2 hour intermission from writing. What is written above is before my walk, what is written below is after).
So I sit until I cannot sit anymore. And then I go for a walk. To my favorite park in West Lafayette. Along the way I am near tears, close to hyperventilation, and seriously contemplating heaving my phone at the nearest tree. I scroll up and down my contacts wondering who I can call. It is times like these when I feel that no one can possibly understand. How can anyone understand the exact emotions I am feeling that have stemmed from a long history of the situations I have been through. I feel so alone.
I always reach out to the most unusual sources. And they always surprise me by pulling me out of my emotional well. One of the hardest lessons I have been learning and am still a novice, is healthily handling my emotions. I have been consciously working on this for almost a year and sometimes I feel like I have not moved an inch. Yet, tonight, while the emotions are still very much present, I have fought the urge to escape them. I let them happen and I felt them intensely. I did not eat them, nor did I try to make them disappear forever.
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light"
-Albus Dumbledore
Right now I am looking at the journey to find my voice and realize tonight I have failed in many ways. Yet, if I break it apart into smaller pieces, I realize I can celebrate some small successes.
Perhaps I shall share my role model tomorrow.
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